changewilldoyougood's Blog

Surgery & aftermath

I had surgery on Monday.  It wasn't too bad, actually for me it went well.  I usually have a hard time with anesthesia with some odd reactions to it.  But this time went well. 

I've been resting all week.  May go back to work Monday or Tuesday.

I found myself this evening coming up with excuse after excuse to leave the house...

... My car only has a 2/3 tank of gas right now.  I should go fill it. 
... I wonder if I need any groceries. 
... Easter is coming up in a few weeks, do I have everything I need?
... I'm not hungry, but still I wonder if any good restaurants are still open.

And so on.  I'm getting cabin fever.  And apparently I am feeling better too.

But just to be safe, I think I'll go fill my car with 1/3 tank of gas.

Enna's explanation

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Reconstruction begins

In 8 hours the crews will be here to begin reconstruction on the part of my house that blew up in June.  It's going to be a good day, but I am nervous.  Will I manage things right?  Have I made the right decisions about where things should end up and how to redesign things?  Will I add value to my property?  After all this mess it seems to me like adding to my home's value would be a good idea right about now.

It's just nerves.  I've gone over and over the plans for all of this a hundred times.  Still, I am jittery.  Tomorrow will make those jitters fade away.

Refrigerator Contents

Today I got to pick through pictures of my refrigerator contents I took before I threw things away to create a full inventory of perishable goods I lost due to the power being out for so long after the explosion.

If you ever want a sobering wake up call on where money goes in a household, do an inventory of the items in your refrigerator and freezer... then think of the items in your pantry... then think of your paper goods usage each month... add it all up and you may be shocked.


So I've been complaining about the neighbors upstairs in my temporary living arrangements making too much noise sometimes.  It sounded like someone was jumping around from bed to the floor often. 

So I complained again today.  The lady at the front desk told me apologetically that they have a dog in a wheelchair apparatus and sometimes he comes disconnected from his wheelchair, scares himself and bounces around with it halfway attached behind him until one of them comes in from work and finds him that way and fixes it. 

That made me sad... it also made me laugh a little... does that make me a bad person?

Food for thought


"If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all." ~ Yogi Bhajan

How'd you get that shiner? Ran into a door... No, really.

I have a nice bruise around my right eye socket right now.  I ran into a door.  I actually did.  Despite all the snickers I’ve gotten from people when they’ve asked and I said I walked into a door, I really actually did walk into a door.

The incident involved total darkness, my clumsy self and a very small LED flashlight.  I have a witness.  Well, sort of.  She couldn’t see either but she heard the noise of my face impacting the door and the line of expletives that came out of my mouth afterwards.  There was a small area of broken skin, more than a scratch but less than a cut I guess.

In all fairness it’s not your typical black eye like someone punched me in the face.  It impacted right where the upper cheekbone meets the bone around the eye socket at the exterior part of the eye.  I iced it at the hotel a few minutes after impact so the discoloration has been kept to a minimum.  But it is extremely tender.  It is starting to hurt now close to my nose, which I suppose is just the internal swelling expanding.  Fingertips lightly touching the skin near my nose even make me flinch.

Platonic housemate keeps randomly laughing at me and saying “He’s really a good man, I swear” a few times a day.  You know your best friend of 20-years really loves you when he jokingly insinuates you are lying about domestic violence.  But in my case, it really was a door that beat me up.  When I get the power back on that door may be the first thing I put on the curb.

The New Normal

After a major life change there's a period of great transition and rebirth.  Then things settle into a new yet uncomfortable routine.  Then slowly over time that uncomfortable routine becomes the new normal.  I am looking forward to the new normal but not there yet.

I've had offers to stay at so many people's houses while they are away on summer vacations and help with taking care of pets.  Yesterday I was able to save a lot of the food in the freezer.  What I don't have room for in the freezer that is in my hotel suite I was able to give to a friend whose husband has lost his job and they have three children. 

This weekend I am house sitting for a couple of friends who will be out of town for the weekend.  It helps them to have it look like someone is home and it will help me to have a place to go where I am able to relax a little and be by myself.  I am a person who is used to some amounts of private time in a given day.  But staying with multiple people in a hotel suite kind of negates most of that.

Since it's looking like this is going to extend out into weeks or maybe months whatever I can do to keep my sanity in small quantities will likely facilitate a smooth transition and adjustment to "the new normal".

Can't stop laughing hysterically

So I have reached the silly eruptions of laughter phase of "part of my house exploded tonight".  I can't stop laughing.  When I look back on the experience of this evening and night and look at pictures of the wall missing with bricks everywhere, glass blown out, flames and smoke everywhere I start to laugh and can't stop. 

You know, because part of my house exploded.  And I'm staying in a hotel that the first floor is perfectly respectable.  The second floor is full of hookers and blow.  And the third floor resembles the video game Silent Hill.

We are on the first floor, thank god.  But the laundry is on the third floor, so we had to go up there.  It reminds me of a creepier version of The Shining.

But I have reached the point where every time someone says "the explosion", I start laughing like a crazy person and can't stop. I mean, my house blew up. Part of my house exploded. It rumbled like an earthquake rolled through and then the lights dimmed and flickered and flitted and shimmered. It was like the whole house was on a dimmer for a little while. Because part of the house exploded. See, rather funny when you look at it that way. At least right now while I'm still in shock this is pretty f*ing hilarious to me.

Love, Fear and the Color spectrum

To me love comes easy.  I love lots of people.  Rarely do I meet a person I believe I will never be able to love in some form or fashion.  Romantic love, partnering love, sexual love/lust are different animals than the general love I feel for human beings but yet I still feel love.

Some people fear love.  To fear love seems to be such an oxymoron to me.  Or maybe they love fear?  I don't know.  But love and fear are at such different ends of the spectrum it's hard to imagine them combined.

Think of the color spectrum.  Blue and green are close enough on the color spectrum that you can say a color is blue-green. Same thing with yellow-green.  Or blue-violet.  But to say a color is green-purple just makes no sense.

That is what like combining fear and love is to me.

When our refuser spouses fear closeness and the expression of love through intimacy it is like naming a color green-purple.  It just doesn't make sense.  It doesn't conjure up an image of a certain color in my head when I think of the color, just like fearing love doesn't have a definition in my head.  What is normal to them is so very strange to me.  You either love or you fear.  You either have purple or green.

Inevitably when you are in a relationship over time love changes.  To me though that goes from red to fuscia or green to chartreuse.  That underlying respect or desire to continue to build, maintain and have respect for someone you love is the chartreuse to my green.  The color may be slightly different, as is the love, but it's still the same underlying color. 

The Miracle of freshly laundered clothes

Hallelujah!  It's a mother's day miracle.  I have a new dryer.  It dries clothing without setting them on fire.  It doesn't even SPARK.


The manager of the store called to wish me a happy mother's day and to tell me to expect the dryer.  I feel like I'm losing a friend or several friends in the store managers I've been talking to at least once a day for the last couple of weeks.  I'll have to stop by and say hello sometimes so we don't lose touch.


Got a text from a great friend today.  She heard about my accident yesterday.

"I haven't told you recently but this seems like an excellent time to tell you that I love you immensely."

It's never necessary for her to tell me that because I really already know it at the soul level.  She knows that but wanted to say it anyway.  That's love.

I moonlight as a drug dealer named Ivan

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You can't possibly understand it...

...if you haven't lived it.  A sexless marriage is a concept foreign to those who aren't in it.  Our experiences, pain and feelings of rejection are incomprehensible to others who have not been unfortunate enough to live in a SM.

Today I was talking to someone who had a similarly crazy childhood as I did.  She was telling me about this one time when her mother came at her with a hot iron in a threatening manner.  She said she knew it sounded dramatic but it really happened.  I completely understood.  My mother came at me with knives as recently as 7 years ago on Thanksgiving Day with my twins present.  In that moment you freeze and then your brain goes into survival mode.  There is a threat, get to safety, get everyone else to safety -- you really have no idea what they are capable of.

The SM is similar.  You don't know how it would feel until you know how it does feel to be in that situation.

But on the other end of it there is hope.  Hope that can't possibly be understood by someone who hasn't gone beyond the SM and found that even through all the pain, the heart heals and love wins.  Always.

You just have to be brave and willing to reach for hope.  Beyond hope lives love.  I am learning that part too.

My brain on ice

Keys in hand. Putting something in the fridge.

My brain said "keys open doors. The refrigerator door needs to open." so I clicked the remote to unlock the refrigerator door.

I didn't hear the refrigerator door click and wondered why. Then it hit me.

Keys are for cars, handles are for refrigerators.

That's what happens when I try to do too many things at once.

1-13 of 13 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Surgery & aftermath, posted March 16th, 2013, 1 comment
Enna's explanation, posted January 29th, 2013, 3 comments
Reconstruction begins, posted November 29th, 2012, 1 comment
Refrigerator Contents, posted June 24th, 2012
Whoops, posted June 15th, 2012, 3 comments
Food for thought, posted June 11th, 2012, 2 comments
How'd you get that shiner? Ran into a door... No, really., posted June 9th, 2012, 1 comment
The New Normal, posted June 8th, 2012
Can't stop laughing hysterically, posted June 6th, 2012, 2 comments
Love, Fear and the Color spectrum, posted May 24th, 2012, 1 comment
The Miracle of freshly laundered clothes, posted May 13th, 2012
Love, posted April 24th, 2012
I moonlight as a drug dealer named Ivan, posted April 20th, 2012, 6 comments
You can't possibly understand it..., posted April 18th, 2012, 2 comments
My brain on ice, posted March 31st, 2012, 2 comments

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